My adventures with panic and anxiety came to a climax last night at The Book of Mormon show that I saw at the San Diego Civic Center. If you were there and saw a guy reclining on a long red sofa, that was me.
I've always never liked crowds. I think that's why I stopped playing Left 4 Dead. No one believes me when I say that walking around Isla Vista late at night, or going to a theme park, makes me think of the madness of zombies, the mob rule. The fact that I've always wanted to live in San Francisco perhaps is proof that I am crazy.
The sensations that I feel are so bizarre when I''m around others. I certainly like being a part of large events; I've been to soccer games at school or walked the streets of Deltopia without a problem. Something about last night triggered a response from me however. Even writing about it doesn't really help much. I tend to relive past trauma as I recreate it in my head. The bio-physical manifestations of stress don't make these troubles any more bearable. Going to the doctor has taken on new meaning for me as, "that time when Stuart pays 20 dollars to someone to affirm how healthy he actually is." I can hope for good news, always, and yet I am disappointed when nothing of note is found wrong with me.
I guess there could be worse things.
In light of my stress issues I've taken two weeks off on medical leave. Thus far it's helped significantly. Whether or not I'm getting better, the jury is still out on that. I've interviewed many people who deal with stress and anxiety. All of my answers for when I can return to being a functioning member of society point to the near future, roughly 2-3 months, with minor episodes once or twice a year. Some are on medication, others aren't. I hope the share the fortunes of the latter.
As of right now, all of my projects are on hiatus until my return to work. I have a good feeling that I will need to ramp up back to my original fortitude. Physically, as I am a nut for staying active and health, I am trying to return to my routine. I went on a jog with minor success. I didn't die. Huzzah. Next Friday I will convene with you all and give you the update on my health. Cross your fingers for miraculous improvement.