Thursday, November 22, 2012

Give Thanks

In honor of the thankful holiday I thought I'd do a special post today. Every year I am overwhelmed with the family values of the season but then immediately appalled by the subsequent chaos that boils over come Friday. I suppose it's just our way of giving thanks and then ripping the larynx out of that guy who has his hands on the Blu-Ray player for only $49.99. So here's a short story. Very short. I'll see you all next week!

It finally happened, and I saw it coming. She was eight people in front of me, shivering, coughing in the ice cold of the morning air out in front of Target. She was alone. Me and Nate came down to grab a steal on a new flat screen, but we made the best out of the time spent. She didn't. Something deep down in me made me want to buy her a coffee. I didn't.

I don't know how old she was, maybe in her mid thirties. She was too old to be, "I just had three kids," but not quite young enough to be, "buy me a drink?" She was average. She spent most of her time shouting at someone on the phone, probably her husband, boyfriend, girlfriend. You never know these days. She wore one of those pastel red jackets, the ones the titular jock wore in those 80's inspirational movies, no jeans though. They were leggings, the kind that make you look naked, but hide all the stretch marks and scars.

I'll never forget it though. It was about 4:15 in the morning. Nate was fast asleep, while I guarded his stuff. It was only forty-five minutes out from opening when she collapsed onto the ground, convulsing, like she was having a seizure. Some of the people poked their heads over their Iphones and Android tablets to see what was going on. Finally someone helped her. They wanted to call an ambulance, but no one was willing to get out of line to give any details on the incident.

Before they could do that though, she started to growl, her body prostrate and quivering on the cement. Next thing I know she leaps up like a cat onto some guys face and bites his nose, ripping it off like wrapping paper on a Christmas present. The reaction woke up Nate. Someone tried to restrain her but before they could the man suddenly freaked out too, lunging on top of an Asian woman at the front of the line and disemboweled her with his hands. I couldn't believe what was happening in front of me. It was Black Friday, and I was on the edge of Armageddon.

For a second I thought to myself, "Shit, I'm never getting laid this year." The second thought was, "three years of waiting for Man of Steel, and this has to happen." You never think about what the next day looks like in a Zombie apocalypse, you just reminisce sadly to yourself about the things that you missed out on. It's never important things, though. Just pointless, petty things.

Everyday I think about the woman in the red jacket and wonder what would of happened if I approached her. They said initially that no cause for the mania could be pinned down. No virus, no flu, no plague, no mystic conjuring. I always heard that sometimes people snap, and then mob think happens. Sometimes I stop to wonder if I could have saved the world by offering her a cup of coffee. But then I think. I sit back, feet put up behind the autogun, looking out over the valley, and remember what it's like to watch Kingdom of Heaven on Blu-Ray.

Spectacular.

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